in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Randomize
