oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
