your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
