apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I love you. Go after that dick
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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