Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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