I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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