Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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