So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
