Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Is Oprah even human
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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