you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
