I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
