I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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