Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
