if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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