im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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