i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can't believe i had my finger in that
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
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In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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