Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
