My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
only you would photoshop your dick
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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