I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?