Just fell off a train. Bad.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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