Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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