Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
