There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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