Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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