Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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