And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You can't special order awesome
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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