just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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