i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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