I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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