went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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