Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
