I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
