textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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