I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
