it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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