My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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