The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
