If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
