Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
