PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
