You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
