im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to calm my uterus...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
