new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
