i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
