fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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