I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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