grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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