i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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