Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
