My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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