i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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