You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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