I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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