I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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