is your mom at the bar?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
