It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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