god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
