i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
