i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
