I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
