Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
